Healthy Competition
by Eternity's Angel of Mercy
Summary: Sleep deprived Shepard is forced to break up another dramatic outburst aboard the Normandy - this time between Miranda and Tali. Shepard attempts to find out what, exactly, has the lovely quarian in such a fiery mood. .One-shot, takes place during ME2.


Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect, the characters, or the games' plot. All I own is me (I think…). Also, I have changed around a few events but only slightly, so bear with me. :) Enjoy!

**Healthy Competition**

* * *

Shepard knew he needed sleep. It felt like centuries since he had lay down to sleep and actually gotten rest. If it wasn't a new priority mission or one of the crew needing help, it was an argument. A brawl. Gardner got sick and there wasn't anyone to cook dinner. Joker and EDI were at each other's figurative throats and decided Shepard needed to be the mediator (that was all Joker, though).

_Stop thinking, _he ordered himself futilely. _Just shut the hell up and then you can sleep. _Shepard closed his eyes again; he began concentrating on how soft his pillow was and how fantastic the sheets felt after being shot at by Eclipse mercs on Illium.

Just as he was beginning to doze, Joker's voice crackled over the intercom link. "Commander?"

Shepard tried his very best to keep his voice level. Not moving from his comfortable spot on the bed, he replied curtly, "Yeah?"

"Miranda's at it again. She and Tali are not having the nicest of conversations. And, uh, I think one of them is getting close to blows. They're in the mess."

Shepard counted to ten before forcing himself to stand, pulling on his clothes as quickly as his fuming would allow. Stepping into his boots, which he didn't even bother tying, he stormed to the elevator. He pressed the Crew Deck button a little more violently than necessary.

When the elevator arrived, Shepard had to almost wade through petty officers to get to the shouting pair. Miranda had her arms crossed over her chest, her hair mussed as if she had just woken up. Tali was currently the one yelling, her arms waving wildly as she did.

"-if you even begin to pretend you have any fiber of sensitivity-"

"Oh for heaven's sake!" the dark haired human exclaimed. "Get off your damned high horse! We're sick of your woe-is-me sentiments. Your people brought this all on yourself-"

"_Bosh'tet!_" Tali exclaimed, her crooked finger pointing threatening toward the Cerberus operative.

"Don't you dare point that at me unless you're willing to lose it, bitch," Miranda returned just as darkly. After as many missions as Shepard had been on with the woman, he could feel the telltale pricking of energy in the air and noticed the sharp blue sparks cracking around her fingers.

"_Enough_!" Shepard said sharply, finally making his way through all of the spectators. "What in the hell has gotten into you two? Miranda, didn't we just have this conversation? Stop provoking people!"

"I have every right to defend myself when I am attacked," Miranda huffed, the pent up biotic energy fading from her fingers. "I was just going to get something to eat and-"

"_Attacked_? _I_ attacked _you?_!" Tali screamed. "I was just-"

"That's enough," he repeated softly, stepping between them. "Miranda, go get dinner. I'll talk with you later. Tali, come with me." Without looking back to make sure his orders were being followed, Shepard rerouted toward the Starboard Observatory.

Morinth, who had been lounging in the corner, looked up in shock when he entered. "Shepard," she greeted, looking a bit perplexed when Tali followed meekly behind him. "Should I come back later…?" she asked softly, mimicking her mother's voice flawlessly.

"Yes, please Samara," Shepard nodded to the woman, watching her effortlessly get to her feet and saunter out the door.

Once they were alone, Shepard collapsed onto the couch Morinth had been occupying. He motioned for Tali to join him. The girl quickly came to his side, wringing her hands anxiously as she did so. Shepard watched the quarian for a moment before sighing. "What happened?"

"I didn't mean to start anything," Tali insisted, her voice seeming to waver. "I don't know what came over me. I try to ignore her when she is around but she's so damn…" Tali sighed, hands dropping to her sides. "She's just…exasperating."

Shepard smiled softly. "I know what you mean. But she is part of the team. She is helping us stop the Collectors. She's a damn good biotic, too," he added. "We need her. For the moment, anyway."

Tali nodded reluctantly. "I just… I don't like her ordering us around."

"She's not, Tali. The orders still come from me. If she says anything different, I'll deal with her. Now," he began, "tell me what happened."

Tali chuckled softly, sounding embarrassed. "Well, I… I guess I start at the beginning? Garrus wanted company while he performed that Thanix Cannon upgrade and didn't want to bother you, so he settled with me."

Shepard cocked an eyebrow at that. "Oh yeah?" He couldn't help the slight flare of misplaced jealousy toward Garrus. Shepard had always had a soft spot for the quarian and her youthful exuberance; had even hoped that perhaps, one day, she might feel the same.

Tali made a noise that Shepard couldn't quite understand. It was something between a choke and cough. "Um, nothing like that, Shepard. He worked on the cannon and I sat firmly on the crates. The whole time." She chuckled awkwardly, her fingers fumbling with straightening imaginary folds in her environment suit.

"Go on," Shepard prompted.

"Right. Um, well, I went out to the mess to get something to eat. I was just going to grab a dextro-bar and go back to the Engineering room. Miranda," she practically cursed the name, "was coming through the mess at the same time I was. She made a lewd insinuation about my relationship with Garrus and I… overreacted."

"I would assume so," Shepard chuckled. "When I got there, it sounded like you were about to swear a lifelong hatred for her."

"I already had," she admitted with a small chuckle. "She was being… well, she was being Miranda. She just… pisses me off," she simpered, folding her arms over her chest. "She comes in and swings those perfect hips and hair and acts like she's…like she's…" Tali broke off, sighing heavily.

Shepard smiled softly. "Tali… are you jealous?"

"What?" Tali exclaimed. "No! Why would I be jealous of her? She's had everything handed to her thanks to those perfect tits," she added vehemently.

Shepard's eyes widened and he couldn't help the chuckle that left his lips. "I think I misheard you. Did you just say Miranda had perfect-"

"Okay, okay," Tali sighed, leaning back into her seat. "So I might, perhaps, be mildly jealous. But not exactly because of her physical appearance, mind you. If I didn't have to be stuck in this suit, I think I would give her some healthy competition."

Shepard shook his head, still smiling. "So, she insinuated something about you and Garrus. And then what?"

Tali shook her head. "It was nothing, Shepard. She was being impolite and I lost my temper. I will apologize, though I don't like it, and this will all be over."

Shepard blinked, wishing he could see her expression through the cloudy violet mask. "I was just woken up to break up this fight, now I want to know the details," he said, only semi-jokingly.

Tali was back to fiddling with her clothing. "She… mentioned that you might… that you might have feelings… oh Keelah, it's getting hot in here," she complained, left hand absently scratching at her right shoulder.

Shepard raised an eyebrow, feeling his lips twitching. "She said that she and I were together?"

Tali shook her head violently, her voice rushed. "No, no, she didn't say anything as definite as that. She just, um, well she mentioned you took her on a lot of missions lately and, I mean, I haven't been on a mission in a while and…" she broke off, voice faltering. She regained herself quickly, rushing back into speech. "And then we somehow got into the conversation of me being quarian and how my people deserved all of the hardships we have because we created the geth."

Shepard watched her softly glowing eyes through the mask, saw the rapid blinking, and had a feeling he knew what the real problem might be. He slowly edged a bit closer to her, murmuring, "You want to know something I haven't told anyone else?"

Tali's took a deep breath which seemed to calm her. "Sure."

"I always thought her tits looked kinda fake."

Tali snorted, covering her vocoder as she giggled. "Shepard! That's not very nice."

"Well, neither is she sometimes," he shrugged, smiling. Hesitantly, he reached out for Tali's hand. "I don't want you to feel inferior to her. Because you're not."

Tali slowly placed her hand in his. When their fingers enclosed on each other, he noticed that she was shaking. "Shepard, I… I have a bit of a confession." She was silent for a moment before murmuring, "Remember when we talked about… well, about quarian relationships?"

Shepard nodded. "You said that Kal'Reegar might have shown a bit of interest in you."

Tali made a noise and muttered, "I also said that I did not return those feelings for him." She glanced down at their joined hands, clearing her throat anxiously. "But I do feel great respect and… and adoration for someone."

Shepard smiled. "Oh?"

Tali sighed, letting out an exasperated, "Why do you keep saying things that don't mean anything? You're making me do all the talking when you damn well know I sound like a gibbering idiot when you let me go on like this! I am just trying to be honest and get this off my chest and you're sitting there grinning like a big, stupid-"

Shepard took her hand and raised it to his lips, brushing a soft kiss on the back of her hand. "Tali, you don't have to say anything. I already know. And I feel the same."

Tali regarded him for a few long moments before cursing. "Keelah, you could have said something instead of letting me prattle one!"

Shepard chuckled. "I like when you prattle on. It's cute."

"Watch it," she teased warningly. "Just because I like you doesn't mean I'll let you call me cute."

"Fine," Shepard acquiesced. "You're beautiful."

"Shepard," Tali groaned.

"You're gorgeous," he continued, grinning.

"Okay, I get it!" she laughed.

"You're perfect," he added, pulling her close to him, holding her against his side.

"Shepard, really!"

"You know the best part?" he prodded, stroking a hand over her back.

"What would that be?" she sighed. Her tone was obviously pleased at the flattery, although she wouldn't admit to it aloud.

"Your tits look completely real."

"Shepard!"

* * *

Author's Note:

Just a quick one-shot of my favorite Male Shepard pairing. :)

Leave me some love in the reviews – let me know what you thought! Comments, criticism, and critiques welcome!

Love love,

Eternity.


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